Remember
by jo-tries-to-write
Summary: Dean wakes up in a strange house with no idea how he got there. But the owner of the house is very familiar and tells him things that he has no memory of.
1. Chapter 1

Dean opened his eyes. What had happened? He remembered he had been hunting, but what had he been hunting? He couldn't remember. But where was he? He rubbed his eyes, still sore from sleep - that was strange, he didn't remember going to bed. He yawned and sat up.

This was not a motel, he saw that instantly. The room showed too much that someone actually lived there, not just slept there. The bed he had slept in was king-sized and soft, and it was a long time ago since Dean had slept so well. On the little table beside his side of the bed was a note: _I'll be back soon_. It was written with a nice and neat style, not anyone he could recall though.

What had really happened? Had he past out and been found by some stranger who had taken him in their care? It didn't seem likely. And if that were true, or not, Dean wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. Something wasn't right with this. And was the thing he had been hunting still alive? Or had he kill it? He needed to find out.

He found that his phone also layed at the table and unlocked it. His old background picture of Baby made him smile as always. He opened the contact list and found Sam's name at the top, together with Cas'. Had someone been doing stuff with his phone? He pressed call and put the phone to his ear.

Three tones later Sam picked up. "Yeah?"

"Hey, Sam," Dean said. Shouldn't Sam be upset? Or worried? Yesterday when Dean had left for the hunt, Sam had wanted to come, but he couldn't since he had another case. It wasn't like him to be this calm in a situation like this one.

"Hey. Is there something going on?"

"Yeah, uhm... I'm not really sure where I am."

"Dean stop it. I don't wanna hear that kind of stuff. I'm your brother, I don't really want to think of you and _that_ stuff."

"What?"

Dean heard a sigh and then Sam said good bye and hang up on him. Just like that.

What was wrong? What had happened? Who's house was this?

Dean put the phone back on the table. He notice'd he was only wearing his underwear, so he searched around the room for his clothes. One of his pair of old worn-out jeans lied just beside the bed, next to a black t-shirt and a green shirt. That was what he had been wearing yesterday, right? He put his clothes on and also found his boots standing under the bed. When he'd put them on, he walked out of the bed, and was just going to get out of the room, to see if the stranger was waiting for him. But a wardrobe door had slipped a bit open and he went to close it. He did not know why, but he just felt he should.

Before he did, he decided to take a quick look inside, to at least see if there was a man or a woman who had helped him. The door opened smoothly, but Dean was shocked. Because this was all _his _clothes. All the jeans he used to wear, and all the shirts he liked.

"What the hell?" he whispered.

He closed the door and did not know what to think. Confused he walked out the room. There was a door to his right, a window to his left, and a corner of a hallway infront of him. He poked the door open, but closed it again; It was just a bathroom. He continued past the corner and found a little kitchen. The walls were light blue and the furniture painted white. The table was ready for breakfast for two persons; bread, ham, juice, coffee and more. A man with dark hair and dressed in a dark blue t-shirt and black pants stood by the sink, his face turned away from Dean. It was something familiar with his way of standing though.

He turned around and Dean was filled with surprise.

"Cas?"

"Hello Dean," Castiel said and smiled. It was something very different with him. He looked so much more peaceful, so happy, so... completed.

"What the hell is going on?" Dean didn't understand _anything_. Why was Cas like this and why were they here and why on earth had he made breakfast?

"I don't understand, Dean. What are you talking about?" Cas said, still smiling, but the smile had shrinked, and there was a tone of worry in his eyes as he walked towards Dean.

"I'm talking about the fact that I was hunting something last night and then I wake up here! And who's house is this even, huh? And what happened to your never-wear-anything-else-than-suit-and-trench coat-look?" Dean regretted that last thing when he saw a glimpse of something he'd never seen in Cas' eyes before.

Cas came even closer, and tilted his head. "This is our house Dean. Don't you remember? You weren't hunting last night either." He lifted his right hand and touched Dean's cheek.

Dean's first reaction was to step back. "What the hell are you talking about, Cas? _Our_ house? And I was hunting, I'm damn sure of it, look I got cut right...here..." He froze. One thing he _did_ remember was the creature cutting him on his right cheek. But now, when he touched the skin, it was smooth and whole. Cas must have healed him. Right? He must have. What other possibility could there be?

"No Dean, you were never hurt. I wouldn't let anyone."

"Then can you please explain!"

Cas took Dean's face in both of his hands, and this time Dean didn't flee. "You and I Dean, we... We're married. Can't you remember?" Tears almost started to show up in Castiel's eyes.

"What...?" Dean did not know what he had expected Cas to say, but it was certainly not this. But it wasn't such a weird thing still though. Right? It made sense. Or at least he thought it did. So when Cas slowly pulled his head down, and let their lips touch, Dean did not protest. His eyes closed and he found his hands searching their way to Cas' hips as he opened his mouth.

But what was he doing? How did he end up here? Kissing the man - or angel - he'd known for so long, and always known was more than just his friend. But did he love him? He would have said no. It had always been a no. Because how could he say yes? It wasn't like him to be like this, not with another _man_. But now, when he stood here, in a kitchen that apparently was theirs, kissing his best friend, the guy who was as close as a brother to him, he knew that it could never be anything else than love.

Dean pulled his lips away from Cas' and whispered "I'm sorry."

Castiel stroke Dean's cheek. "What's the matter?"

Dean swallowed. "I don't remember, I'm- I'm so sorry..." He realized that he was close to tears.

"It's okay Dean. It's okay," Cas murmured.

Dean looked at him. "No it's not. Cas, it's not. I wake up and you say I'm married to you but I don't even remember! How is that okay? I don't even know how much I don't remember! How... How long have I missed?"

Castiel bit his lip. "I don't know when your last memory is, but... Today it's... Today it's one year since we got married."

"No... It can't be..." Dean backed away, and moved towards the glassed kitchen door, and walked outside. The garden was little but beautiful, and it was surrounded by fields. Only a small road lead to the house - their house - and that was the end of it. The black Impala was parked there, ready to go whenever needed. At least she was like he remembered her.

Dean leaned to the car roof, with his face in his hands. He let a few tears away. Why did this happen to him? He realized now, that the reason Castiel had looked so damn happy when he saw him was because he had spend an entire year, probably more, with_ him_. With Dean. And they had been happy together. But why didn't Dean have those memories? What was wrong with him?

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to find Cas standing there, his face full of worry. Dean sank down to the ground with his back against the car, and Cas did the same.

"Why me, Cas? Why don't I remember?"

Castiel looked down. His hand found Dean's. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. Don't apologize."

"I wish there was something I could do. But... whatever took your memories, I don't..."

"But you can tell me. Tell me what I've missed. How did... we... happen?"

A little smile crossed Castiel's lips. "I guess it started...After you and Sam had taken me away from that mental hospital. And I was," he paused and let out a little laughter, "sort of high on the medicines. One day when Sam wasn't there, I told you that I love you. And you, you freaked out. You said that I was insane, that we could never be. You said that you only liked women. You said a lot of things."

Dean smiled a little. It sounded like him, it surely did.

"But then I got to you, I really did. I think you hated me for it in the beginning, that I had made you fall in love with me, but one day we finally kissed. And you didn't stop." Castiel smiled at the memory.

"I could never hate you," Dean said. "Never. Then what happened?"

"In the beginning of April, you asked me to marry you. I said yes, and the 6th of June, which is today, we married. Our honey moon was in Europe, and then we bought this place.

"We painted it, you wanted it to be blue, and we fixed the garden. You work as a mechanic, Sam's still hunting though, and I work at a bakery. There's a town a few miles away from here and that's where we work. Are you... are you crying?"

"No, I'm..." Dean wiped his eyes with his free hand, and he felt that he actually was.

Cas let go of Dean's hand and layed his arm around him and pulled him down to his chest instead. He stroke his hair and dried the tears.

"Still..." Dean started, "What happened to the trench coat?"

Castiel smiled. "I've still got it. I just don't use it everyday. Thought it might be time to wear something different too. I don't want to bore you."

"You don't."

"Good."

They sat there, for seconds, minutes, or maybe even hours. Silent. Still, except for the angel stroking the man's hair. It was just them, and nothing else. The time that Dean couldn't remember didn't matter, not for that moment, not now. Because they had each other, which was what they both had wanted since the very first moment they met in hell, they had just needed time to realize it.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean wanted to stay like that forever. And he could have, but his stomach grumbled quietly, and Castiel heard it.

"Do you want to eat that breakfast now?" he asked.

"I'd love that, yeah. Thanks Cas." Dean smiled and leaned back from Castiel's chest and they both stood up, brushed the road sand away from their pants. Cas reached out his hand for Dean, then looked at him, as if he was scared that he might not take it. But he did. It felt good to hold Cas' hand, it was something solid in all this. Dean might not have the memories, but he still had the present. And he would hold on to that.

They crossed the yard and Dean felt the warm morning sun on his back. The kitchen door had been left open, but Castiel closed it once they were inside again.

"The coffee may be a little cold now, but I can make new," Castiel said and threw an eye at the table.

"It doesn't matter," Dean said. He hesitated, then he took Castiel's other hand and kissed him again.

The kiss was more passionate this time, because this time Dean knew it was the right thing to do, and he wasn't afraid to hold back. It was not until now, when he actually got to kiss him, that Dean realized that this was what he had desired since the very first day he saw the angel. Whatever had caused his memory loss seemed unimportant now, because all he wanted was Castiel. His mind, his soul, his body. All of him.

His right hand let go of Cas' and found it's way to the angel's back. With the other one, he pulled his fingers through Castiel's hair. Castiel let his both hands hold Dean's face. Dean got greedier and pressed Cas harder against him as his lips kissed their way down Cas' neck and back until they found his mouth again. A tingly warm feeling spread in Dean's stomach and continued down.

Dean felt Castiel's hands move down his chest. He didn't protest when Cas removed his shirt, and then snuck his hands in underneath Dean's t-shirt. He let out a little groan when their lips parted so that Cas could pull it off. The clothing fell to the floor with barely no sound and Cas' hands were all over Dean's chest, craving for more.

Dean got his hands under Cas' shirt and made sure it came off too. Then he let his hands run over Castiel's chest and stomach, and got a bit surprised by how hard and strong the muscles actually were.

Their lips let go for a second and they stood there, heavily breathing, with their foreheads leaned against each other's. Dean took the opportunity to admire Cas' body. He felt a sting of pain as he remembered that this actually has been his for over a year now, just that he had no memory of ever touching it before.

"Breathe pause?" Castiel asked, his breath warm against Dean's skin.

Dean didn't answer. He just leaned up a bit and kissed the angel's brow and then embraced him. "I love you," he whispered in his ear.

"I love you too," Castiel said and layed his arm around Dean's waist.

Dean rested his head on Cas' shoulder for a while, just feeling the warmth of his arms around him, and he closed his eyes.

Once more he lost grip of time. Something with the two of them just being together without saying a word seemed to have that effect on him, he noticed.

Cas let go of Dean's waist and stroke him on the cheek. They looked each other in the eye and Dean saw the blue eyes that were filled with so much goodness, a goodness of a kind that Dean never had seen before. And there was something else there too. Something that wasn't a part of the body Castiel was wearing; a light that could not be found in any human. Because it was the light of the angel inside, the brightest angel in the whole creation, and it could only be seen if you looked really deep.

Was that what Dean, without even knowing it himself, had been looking for every time they had been staring into each other's eyes so many time before? Had he always searched for proof of Castiel's true self? Maybe.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Castiel asked with a smile on his lips. "You have to. You're always hungry."

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Lookin' after me, aren't you?"

Castiel smiled and stretched up to give him a soft kiss on the mouth. "Always."

"I know. So... what's for breakfast?" Dean said. He looked at the table, and a bit suspicious at a kitchen towel with obviously something under. "And what's that?"

"That is," Castiel said as he removed the towel, "a fresh apple pie."

A smile grew on Dean's face, from one side to the other. "Did I mention I love you?"

"Yes you did."

Dean kissed him again, before he turned towards the table. He pulled out a chair and sat down while Cas did the same. They both layed up breakfast on their plates - Dean's was mostly pie - and then they ate.

"I'm telling you man," Dean said with his mouth full, "this is an amazing pie."

Castiel smiled again.

"No, I'm serious, maybe the best I've ever had."

"Stop it," Castiel said, still smiling. "You're just trying to flatter me."

Dean chuckled. After all, he _had _already got his angel shirtless. He glared towards him, trying to get another peak of his body, but looked away again, embarrassed. The angel was already watching him.

"You are just so beautiful," he said.

"Uhm... Thanks," Dean replied, a bit unsure.

They finished their breakfast without saying much, just some small talk now and then.

After breakfast, they washed the dishes together. Dean was a little unfamiliar with it, but Cas seemed comfortable. When Cas dried his hands after they were finished, Dean couldn't help but notice the golden ring on his finger.

"Is that... Is that your wedding ring?" he asked, a little anxious, since there was no ring on his hand.

"Yes it is," Castiel answered, and he seemed once again a little hurt by the fact that Dean didn't remember. He also noticed that Dean didn't have one. "Yours must still be in the bedroom. Shall we go and get it?" He reached out his hand for Dean.

Dean nodded and took it, and he also picked up their shirts from the floor. "And we might as well stuff these away too," he said. "Unless you don't wanna put your back on...?"

"No, I'm good," Castiel said and squeezed Dean's hand a little harder as they walked through the short little corridor towards the bedroom.

The door opened quietly, and walking into the room felt weird. Earlier this morning, Dean had woken up here with no clue, and now he was back and actually knowing what was going on. It was like some sort of twisted opposite of deja-vu.

The bed was still unmade and the sheets wrinkled. But now Dean could actually see that this room belonged to him and Cas. There was his box of old cassette tapes, and on the wardrobe door was Castiel's trench coat. How could he have missed it before? And there, on the table, beside his phone, was the ring.

Dean dropped the shirts on the bed and picked the ring up, with Cas still holding his hand. And he was glad he did, because it felt like he was going to fall over.

The little piece of gold glistened in the sunlight that came through the window, and letters became visible on the inside.

"It's enochian," Castiel explained. "It means '_to heaven and hell and back'_."

"It's beautiful," Dean whispered as he put the ring on his finger. It felt good, and most important; _right_.

The sound of a car approaching made Dean look out the window. Down the road came a dark blue car made not many years ago, judging by the design. It was nice and quiet, nothing to brag with. Exactly the kind of car his brother would like.

Dean looked at Cas, and then at the car again. It had stopped, next to the Impala, and Sam stepped out.

"Well," Dean said, "it seems like we have to put the shirts on after all."

They pulled the shirts on and Dean was just about to go to the front door, when he realized he had no clue where it was. So he let Cas go first. They walked back to the kitchen, but from there, they went on to a living room with dark red walls and pale floor. There was couches, a table, and also a big flat screen tv. The front door was there too.

Cas opened it and the daylight lit up the room. Sam was just a few feet away from the house. He was carrying a white box with a blue ribbon on it.

"Hey guys!" he said with a big smile on his face.

"Hello Sam," Castiel said and stepped outside so they could share a friendly hug.

Dean swallowed. What if there was something that had happened to Sam that he didn't remember? And how would he tell him about his memory loss? But he was still glad to see him, so he smiled and stepped outside too. "Hey there Sammy," he said and as soon as Cas and Sam had let go of each other, he gave his brother a hug too.

"So I guess," Sam said after that and gave Dean the box, "happy wedding day."

"Thanks." Dean was relieved. Their relationship seemed to be the same. He carefully pulled away the ribbon. Then he looked at Cas. "Do you wanna open it or shall I?"

"You do it," he said, but he moved closer to get a better look.

Dean opened the box.

A picture of himself, his brother and his... husband smiling together, printed on a canvas, looked back at him. "Thank you Sammy, this is amazing," he said. He was so happy, but he couldn't help the pain of not remembering sneaking up on him again. They looked so happy in that picture. But why couldn't he remember that happiness? That day when the sun must have shined so bright, judging by the picture. That day when they were together. Not because of a hunt, but because they were _family._

Dean carefully lifted the photo out and gave it to Cas, who also smiled and thanked Sam. There was another picture in the box. This one was Dean and Sam, smiling, arms around each other's shoulders. Like the brothers they were.

The next one was Sam and Cas, and also they looked almost like brothers, all though you could see - even in the photographs - that their bond was not as strong as the one between Sam and Dean.

Dean handed also that picture to Cas, and found one last canvas in the box. This time the tears really threatened to break free. The photo showed him and Cas kissing, light, but still very passionate. How the hell could he have forgot? What had stolen his memories?

"Thank you," he said again. "Really, thanks." He hugged his brother again. Then he looked at Castiel. "These are great, aren't they, Cas?"

"Yes. Thank you Sam," the angel said.

Dean swallowed. The worst was waiting, right? Once you had jumped there was no more fear. "Look, Sam, there's something I need to tell you. It's kinda important."

His brother frowned. "What?" he said confused.

"There's something... wrong. With me. With my memories."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't have them. At least not the last one-and-a-half year." Dean sighed frustrated.

"But.. How do you mean?" Sam gested with his hands in the air. "You've got some kind of amnesia? You don't remember _anything_?"

"No. I...I don't." Dean finally looked his brother in the eye, only to face confusion. And was that a glimpse of fear there somewhere?

Cas stepped forward. "It's true, Sam. He... He didn't even remember us being married."

"Wow," Sam said after he'd let it sink in. "And you have no idea what happened to you?"

"Well of course I don't, I've lost my memory!" Dean said, a bit annoyed. It seemed like no one could help him.

Sam ignored him and turned to Cas. "Has he been in any strange places the recent days, anywhere he doesn't usually go?" Dean realized that Sam acted as if this was a hunt.

"No he hasn't," Castiel answered. "Except for work, we've been together all the time." He looked at Dean with eyes full of love - and a secret or two - until he realized that Dean probably wouldn't understand what he was trying to say anyway. Then part of the love turned into sadness.

"Okay can we not talk about this anymore?" Dean asked.

"You're the one who brought it up," Sam objected.

"I just thought you should know, that's all."

Sam nodded and did not speak about it again.

Sam stayed for hours. They ate pie - Cas had made that instead of cake, for Dean's sake - and then lunch, and they just hanged out like the family they were. Pretty soon after Sam arrived, Cas fetched nails and a hammer from the garage, and Dean put the canvases on the wall in the living room, beside each other, bright on the dark wall.

But when the clock was past five in the afternoon, Sam excused himself and told them he had to go; there was this case he was working, so he had to go to the morgue before seven, and it was at least one hour driving to get there.

Dean and Cas waved him goodbye before they went back inside.

"I think I'm going to take a shower," Cas said then.

"I'll wait for you," Dean said and kissed Castiel before he disappeared into the bathroom. Dean went back to the bedroom, and sat down on the bed. He untied his boots and pulled them off. He hung his shirt it on a chair close to the bed and then lied down, hands under his head, staring at the ceiling. It was very peaceful, just lying there listening to the water pouring down in the other room.

He could get used to this. Having a normal, apple pie life - literally - and being married to Cas. In one way, he was glad that he had skipped forward all this time. Because before, he had not been willing to accept his feelings, but now, when they were a fact they were as clear as day. He would rather die than losing them, than losing Cas.

After a while the dripping stopped, and the noises from the bathroom was not loud enough for him to hear anymore. It didn't took long before he could hear the door open. He sat up and looked at Cas when he entered the room.

His dark hair was if possible even darker, and small drops of water was on their way down. His skin was more tanned than it had been in Dean's earlier memories, and the muscles underneath made Dean want him even more. He was wearing nothing but a white towel on his hips, pretty low though, and Dean would very much like to rip it off.

"Hey there beautiful," Dean said as he rose from the bed and closed the distance between them. He placed his hands on the angel's hips, and leaned in to kiss him.

Castiel responded to the kiss with a new urge and desire that hadn't been there earlier this day. He pulled off Dean's shirt as they moved towards the bed.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun of another new day touched Dean's face through the window. It took a few seconds to realize where he was, but then the events of the previous day catched up with him. And there were no reason for them not too, since the arms of his very own angel was wrapped around his waist and the angels breath was tickling his shoulder smoothly.

The last night was a little blurry, but this was a memory loss of the pleasant kind. Because he still had the _feeling_. He still knew how their kisses had felt, and the thrill in his stomach when Castiel's fingers ran all over his body. He could still sense the passion in the air, and in his head he could still hear the angel whisper, sigh and scream his name. And the most concrete proof of them all; the body that still was pressed against his under the soft sheets.

Dean moved his hand and placed it on Cas'.

"Are you awake?" he asked when he felt the touch. His breath was warm against Dean's skin when he spoke.

"Yeah," Dean answered. "You never slept, didn't you?"

"No. I still don't need to."

Dean smiled even though Cas couldn't see it. "I wish you could. It's nice to sleep beside someone you love. You should be able to have that too you know."

"I'm good with just holding you. But I would like to be able to sleep, if it was next to you."

Dean fingered Cas' hands where they rested on his stomach. "It will always be next to me," he said. He felt Cas' lips press against his shoulder.

And that's how their lives went on. Dean started to work, and it was nice getting to work with cars. Now and then someone was dumb enough to mention the fact that Dean and Cas were two men living together, it was a small town after all, but it never took long before they had to regret that.

They talked to Sam once in a while, not every day, but not too seldom though. And they did other things too. They traveled around a little bit - it was easy when you had the wings of an angel to take you wherever you wanted to go. And they had some great times of sex too.

During this time, some of Dean's memories came back. But they weren't the right memories. They couldn't be.

Because this was memories of someone named Dick Roman trying to take over the country. And a race called the Leviathan. This was memories that came to Dean in his sleep, finding their way in, tricking him to believe that they were real, and his life with Cas wasn't. He talked to Cas about it a few times. The angel seemed concerned, but kept telling Dean that it was nothing to fear; they were happy, and that was what mattered.

But the dark memories kept coming to him. In the dreams, Castiel had walked out in that river because of those creatures, the _Leviathans_, and not because of the fact that all the souls from Purgatory had been too much for him to bear. In these memories Dean and Sam had been fighting these monsters for months before they were reunited with Castiel again so they could defeat them.

And this place, Bobby had been shot by this Dick Roman - and stayed as a ghost - instead of dying when he was hunting a wendigo. The wendigo shouldn't have killed him, but everyone makes mistakes and trying to save a fool named Andrew became Bobby's last. So how could he have died from a bullet in his head? No, these... fantasies could not be true.

And then of course there was Purgatory.

Cas had opened Purgatory twice before he went to that river, but Dean had a feeling that something else, something that should not be in that part of the world, had been put there, and that _after _Cas' little god playing game.

All these false memories were itching against his mind all the time, like an insect walking across his skin, and he was unable to make it go away.

But he was able to ignore them for the most of the time. Mostly thanks to Cas. During the days he was there for him, filling him in on what had happened the time he could not remember, and he always made him laugh. During the nights they either shared passionate moments, that was more than Dean could ever have hoped for earlier in his life, or they just simply lied there, embracing each other, talking, understanding.

Everything was perfect.

But that was before the dreams started to haunt Dean during day time. Now and then he thought he saw black goo - that was what the leviathans had instead of blood - seeping down the walls. Or sometimes it was dark shadows flashing past him in the corner of his eye, too fast for him to ever really see them.

"Did you see that?" Dean asked Cas one night just before they were about to go to bed.

"No, Dean, there's nothing here. I swear."

But later, the same red eyes that he'd seen just minutes ago was staring at him from the dark.

This was when Dean started to become really afraid. And he hated himself for that, because he was - or had been at least - a hunter for crying out loud! But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was really, really wrong. He had two alternative lifes the past years and he did not know which was real and which was fake. Everything that could come from his dreams - because they were just dreams, they had to be - a black silhouette, a pair of red eyes or black liquid, was placed in the same corner of his mind as all the other stuff he didn't want to deal with.

But then it happened.

It was one late night, as every other night at first, when the shadows actually _lived_.

They started to get a real shape but their red eyes was still the only thing that Dean could focus on. He yelled at Cas, but he claimed that he could not see them.

"But what the hell dude? They're everywhere!" Dean screamed desperate.

Then the creatures started to... absorb the room. As they moved towards Dean and Castiel they left nothing but a big, empty black void behind them. Or was it totally empty? No, Dean was pretty sure he could see a twisted dead tree there.

As the monsters came closer, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, to protect him. But the angel still couldn't see what was happening. It had to be at least ten of the red-eyed creatures, and they were roaring now. They slowly moved towards them; they knew they did not have to be careful, they had already won. Dean would die here, with his love in his arms.

Then suddenly, one of the creatures grabbed Castiel and pulled him backwards into the black nothing.

"NO!" Dean screamed, but it was too late. Castiel was already gone. And as far as Dean could tell, he hadn't even see the monsters coming. If he had, he would have used his powers as an angel to smite them, or to take him and Dean away.

But he hadn't.

Dean sank down to the floor, and did not longer care about the fact that he would soon die. He did not care that he might have a chance to kill these things and get out alive. No, because Castiel was gone. The love of his life was _gone_. And Dean could not bear it. He could might as well be dead already. He _wanted _to be dead. Because if he was dead, he wouldn't be able to feel anything, right?

He stood again. "Come and get me you bastards. I've got nothing to lose," he said. "You sons of bitches what are you waiting for?" He turned around, and faced all of them, one by one. "Come on!" he screamed, tears ready to stream down his face. Then he went quiet and let them find their way out of his eyes.

He was completely quiet and did not even scream when the creatures attacked him and pulled him down into the blackness.

It was a weird feeling, floating like that. He was nothing in this void. Not even a spark of life or a grain of sand. And yet at the same time, he was everything. He felt all the pain and sorrow and loss as he moved around with no control of where. Not that he cared though. Dean had no goal, there was nowhere to go. Not anymore, not without Cas.

He welcomed the blackness because it allowed him to only feel his mind and not his body. Though he would rather have had it the opposite. This time his pain was emotional, not physical.

Then suddenly he stopped spinning.

He felt ground underneath his body again, and realized he was lying on a bed of leaves and dirt. It was uncomfortable, but it was more familiar than being weightless. He felt air in his lungs again, cold and moist. The sounds around him scared him though; they were the same as those in his nightmares. A howling wind and growling monsters.

Then a voice interrupted his thoughts. It was a voice Dean would kill to hear. It belonged to Castiel. "Wake up," he said.

Dean opened his eyes. It was dark, and he saw a clouded sky and trees that leaned down towards him as if they would try to grab him any second. He sat up, confused. Where was he? And how was Cas here? He was too shocked to really feel anything. In that moment, something else happened too. All the memories from the past year came back to Dean. His _real_ memories. From the moment that he first heard about the leviathan, until what was it, yesterday? Until he stabbed Dick Roman in his neck with a bone drenched in blood. His life married to Cas seemed like the dream now. A very very vivid dream.

"Good," Castiel said as Dean stood and turned around. "We need to get out of here."

"Where are we?" Dean finally managed to say. He looked around, tried to see if he recognized his surroundings.

"You don't know," Castiel said, and Dean was not really sure if it was a question or not. He noticed now that the angel was wearing his trenchcoat again, though over clothes from a hospital. _The clothes he has been wearing ever since we got him out of there_, Dean reminded himself. This wasn't anything new.

"Last I remembered we ganked Dick," Dean said. Because he realized it now, that was his true last memory. Not him and Cas being pulled into a void.

"And where would he go in death?" It seemed like Castiel thought their location was not anything that needed to be questioned.

The pieces fell in place in Dean's head. "Wait, are you telling me-"

"Every soul here is a monster," Castiel interrupted. "This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity."

Dean looked at Cas again. Was this really the truth? "We're in Purgatory?" Well of course it was. It had to be. "How do we get out?" There must be a way, right?

"I'm afraid we're more likely to be ripped to shreds."

A sound made Dean turn around. In the forest behind him, he saw a pair of those red eyes that had been haunting him in his fantasy-life with Cas. Not just one pair, though. Many. He turned back. "Cas, I think we'd better-"

But he was gone. There was no trace of his angel. Not any sign of where he might have gone. "Cas?" he hissed. But no answer. He turned around again, only to see the monsters. The shadows were once again running past him, too fast for him to see, but he could still feel them and hear them.

So his whole married, normal life with Cas had been a lie, a dream. It wasn't real, it never had been. Every touch, every kiss, every word had been a cruel trick from his mind. Despair, fear and regret flowed around him.

And Cas was gone now. The _real _Cas. Even if they were not married they were still friends, but where was he? He wouldn't just leave him there, would he?

* * *

**So... That's it. And yes, I know that their words in the end is exactly what they're saying in the season 7 finale, but that's sort of the whole point. I hope you liked it, and I guess I should have added some words before the first part, but this is the very first fic I'm publishing here, so you'll have to live with that. Anyway, I hope you liked this story.**


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